#9 No Job,Anxiety, Changes,Uncertainty, Hope.

I got fired from my job yesterday. 

I had been having anxiety revolved around work for weeks. Even before Louie died,more so since.

Yesterday day marked 21 days since my furry life partners death.

The anxiety over the past 3 weeks had been building. 

I had a bad feeling all morning yesterday and it got worse as I walked to work.

Like my gut was telling me 

“Wait the other shoe hasn’t dropped yet.”

Even though I felt a bit dejected as I was let go.

That  anxiety lifted off my shoulders and it was a relief.

A relief.

A new anxiety replaced the old.

When will I find a new job? 

Can I survive until then?

Then new anxiety filled but exciting questions filled my head.

Should I stay here?

Should I pack up and leave before winter sets in?

Advance plans that were meant for next year after my birthday to now?

So many anxiety riddled but exciting questions? 

An uncertain future. 

Not knowing is what makes me anxious. 

Possibilities galore.

New hope and new beginnings. 

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#8 Music and it’s Power

Music has been an integral part of my life since I can remember. 

Looking back it has always been a focus.

One of the few things I can actually focus on.

Music and a good book.

Though I am a horrible musician i.e. I hate practicing. 

That is neither here nor there though.

You may have noticed at the end of last blog the sudden change in determination at the end.

All because I decided to start listening to music while finishing it.

We all have a connection to music.

Sound,the vibrations at the very core of life.

We all have a heartbeat. 

Different beats,different vibrations, and different tempos all speak to us.

Some we like like and some we don’t.

It gives me drive,focus and motivation.

Singing or screaming (since I am a long term metal fan) along to it helps drive anger out of myself and can uplift my spirit. 

Music has aided me throughout my life. Good times and bad times I have found something musically to get me through. 

It has the power to change and inspire us at the very core of our beings.

Which is why I find it so powerful and important to all.

Namaste

Steve

I just saw my psychiatrist on Thursday.

Told him about how I have been off my medications for about 2 months now.

We agreed that I could stay off of them but I could easily call to get a new script if I felt the need.

It is a little rougher without.

I understand the artificial edge the meds gave me.

I have better coping skills than I did.

I am in adjustment still to coping without the edge the meds gave me.

I am writing here to keep self aware of my mental state.

I have been living,sometimes barely surviving with mental illness since I was a toddler.

I only finally sought treatment 3 and a half years ago. After a severe mental breakdown.

Being this psychology aware of myself is still a relatively new thing for me.

I was not managing at all before.

Now though.

Yes some rough moments recently.

Who doesn’t?

I just speak out now,instead of bottling it up and letting it consume me.

My illness is part of me.

It is not me.

It does not define who I am.

I won’t let it.

I may be A Madman Without a Cat.

I am the coolest,sincerist,most sensitive, blunt,loyal,loving,magickal and positive Madman you will ever meet.

Namaste

Steve

-current listening

Meshuggah- Koloss

#6 Meh?!?

That’s the best way to describe how I felt lately. 

I am doing well.

Just the loss of Louie is still weighing heavy on my heart and soul. 

Work is going well,I have been throwing myself into it with as much gusto as I can. 

I did have a surprise visit the other night,one of my good friends was in town and stopped by work and we hung out afterwards. He had his fiancée and her sister with him. The four of us just drove around and talked. 

I had a good time. 

Hugs were shared by all when I got dropped off at the new place.

The sister was the first to hug me.

The connection of old friend and new friends.

I felt alive again.

I like the sister. She’s attractive, smart, cool and compassionate. 

I hate having social anxiety. 

I am 40 years old and still have no idea how to even act.

I feel so inept and it stresses me out to feel this way. 

Maybe. 

I don’t know. 

Part of my life path?

I have been wanting changes and they have been happening. 

The unknown is what stresses me.

I am stressing myself out.

I let my anxiety get the best of me and am emotionally beating myself up over it.

This has always been part of issues. 

Meh?!?

Steve

#5 A Years Journey 

Originally posted to Facebook on June 14th. 

​A Years Journey. 

(Roughly) 
Last July roughly somewhere around the 15th. I stepped out of my home with tears clouding my vision and the full intent to end my life.
It was my final breakdown. I posted to Facebook my final goodbyes. I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually broken and tired. I could not do it anymore. 
My roommates and another friend tried calling and texting me. They were ignored. 
With music in my ears and tears in my eyes I walked what was to be my final walk. 
It was the straw that broke the camels back as the saying goes.
No one could talk me out of it. No one ever had but ME. I did not know if I was going to be able to do that again. It sure as hell didn’t seem that way.
I had always been alone in these moments. No one aware,no one around from the first time I thought about it and had a knife to my wrist when I was 10 up until then. 29 years of being suicidal I just couldn’t go on anymore. 
I ended up in the graveyard up at the top of the hill here in town. Where my maternal grandparents are buried and I sat on their grave for awhile.
I sat there tears in my eyes again and talked to God,the universe, whatever may have been listening. Saying I can’t go on like this anymore, something needs to change. 
Little did I know or understand what that would entail in the coming months. 
Looking back now.
I did die that day.
If you did know me before that day,know this that no matter how long be it 6 months or 30 plus years, for the rare few of you that have known me that long,you never really knew me. 
The guy you thought you knew was a mask that I put on to be able to interact with the world, what you “did” see of my depression and anxiety was only an infinitesimal fraction of what I was actually going through. I know you have some fond memories of him. He wasn’t real. 
I asked my roommates that when they would return home later that night to just go to their rooms and leave me the Fuck alone. I said on Facebook that I didn’t want to talk about it,that talking about it wasn’t going to fix anything or make me feel better.
All hope was gone.
I had no passion for life. 
If I broke again? Sooner rather than later could I make back again? 
I knew the answer to that last one.
No.
It took 2 weeks maybe a few days more for me to recoup from that.
Then the unthinkable for me still at the time still. I battled my anxiety and asked a woman out,that I honestly thought I had no chance with whatsoever…she said yes.
We are not a couple just friends. Different paths,different points in our lives.
I know you will read this dear.
With the most humble and gracious attitude,I say “Thank you.”
That yes and singular date was the confidence boost that my shattered mind and soul needed. 
That was early August. 
Then till now has been a very exiting adventure. 
It has been a glorious climb up the mountain to get where I sit right now,mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically (times 2).
Not that I have not had a few slips down the mountain side so to speak.
Notably Christmas, Valentines being the big two and then a small one months in advance of what is now only 4 days away turning 40.
Let us rewind to before the New Year.
Sometime in early December. I declared myself to be a member of Anonymous. Was added by others at request and not to several Anonymous Facebook groups. I made very important friends in Anonymous that I may never have the privilege of meeting in person. To you ladies and gentlemen I say,
Namaste my brothers and sisters,Namaste!
Your positive attitudes that one person can make a difference and the actions you actually do take to do so have influenced my changes to myself greatly. 
Then the Facebook groups Namaste, Namaste Worldwide, Worldwide Hippies,and Hippie Love the constant all day spreading of peace,love and acceptance by the members of these groups and those I have added to my list of friends has had a tremendously beautiful impact on the man I am now. 
In January to save money and for my health I started to change my eating habits. I cut out the daily junk that I was eating on my way to work for fruit. On January 28th I weighed 258 pounds on February 28th I had dropped down to 238 pounds. 
March 1st I moved into a new place with other friends. I changed my diet more now I can really say I am a piscatarian-fruit,rice,nuts,vegetables, chicken,eggs,fish and cheese. I occasionally have been having red meat and pork but that’s slowly but surely fading away. 
Even on March 1st little did I know how much I would change from them to now. 
I now have been maintaining a weight of between 230-235 pounds. 

I have been wearing a size 38 pants as my main size now for a couple of months. I have shed pounds in areas of my body like I never have before.
With judicious application of Cannabis Sativa,Indica and hybrids thereof I have been able to heal. The chemical imbalances that my legal medications side effects exacerbated that made me suicidal are gone. 
I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF HURTING MYSELF IN SO LONG I CANNOT EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I DID!  And that is something to shout and scream in joy about. 
I have a new job with a great boss that actually appreciates me. 
All of this and the month of May a historically horrible month for me. Came and went with no issues. Mothers Day bothered me only slightly. I remembered my moms birthday. I completely forgot the anniversary of her death until the day was almost over. It was then that I realized, that after all the years,I have finally stopped grieving her death. 
I after all the years of calling it complete and utter bullshit,have discovered the power of POSITIVE THINKING!
Every day when my feet hit the floor I say to myself before I do anything else.
“I am going to have a good day.”
Guess what?
I do!
I am in competition with nobody. 

The only person I compete with is me.

Can I be become a better person than I was yesterday.

That is my daily goal.

Learn something new,think in a way that I never have before on topics old and new. 
My roommate has index cards littered about the building with this phrase written on them.
“What are you creating right now?”
After several weeks and an awesome conversation one night. I grabbed a pencil and answered the question.
“A new version of me. ”
I remember the old version of me.

A man that was horribly depressed,anxious, fearful, filled with hate not only for the world and everyone in it but also himself. 
My life was shit. 

I hated everything.

I hated even waking up. 
I got what I deserved.
I projected negativity into the world.
I received negativity in return.
I am thankful that the old negative version of me is dead and gone.
A whole new way of thinking.
I have evolved.
I finally have accepted that I cannot go back and fix anything,from my rape as a toddler,to all the fearful anxiety ridden mistakes that I made while unknowing of that information and now I would not want to. 
I was just speaking with one of my young friends last night. My sharing on Facebook of love and positivity from the hippie groups,inspired him to join those same groups and they have had a positive affect on him just like they have on me. 
What if I was not here because of having a different past or what if I had taken my life last summer? Where would he be right now if I was not here to be an example of positive vibrations to him?
I accept myself and every crazy thing about me.
I accept how others feel about me for good and bad.
If you like me cool.

If you do not like me also cool.

I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea and I accept that.
Well mainly. 

I unapologeticly will poke at your worldview to make you think. 

If it pisses you off.

Great!

I have done my job. 

Stagnation leads to negativity and death.

Evolve, my friends,evolve.
I have.
My roommates have seen it,my offline friends have seen it,even in the 3 and half months that I have been living here a massive change in me. 
Into a energetic being of light,love,positivity and hope.
I love life and myself for the first time ever. 
I am standing on a ledge now,on the side of mountain called life. I stretch my arms to the sky and soak in the sun. I look out at the infinite flat horizon of possiblity,love and hope.

I can truly say.
“I love being alive.”
I am crying tears of joy right now.

I never thought I would be here.

That I would make it this far.

That I would be this happy.

That I could be this happy. 
What a difference even less than a year can make. 
The color of our skin,our nationalities,our genetic make-ups,genders,sexual preferences, gender identities and our religious beliefs are meaningless. 
They are all things created to divide and conquer us.
We are all one people with a grand genetic biodiversity of appearances. 
All one big group of souls, all operating vastly different biomachines to interact with the world and each other. All with vastly different life experiences. 
We are all here to love,support and uplift each other. 
I understand why I bothered some people before.
I was a monster of negativity. 
I was like that.
Was.  
I understand now.
Who wants to be around someone like that?
No-one. 
To all that knew me when I was like that. 
I offer my most sincere and humbled apologies for being such an asshole for so long. 
To all that have bothered to keep reading this far.
Thank you. 
I love you.

You are awesome. 

You are beautiful. 

You are infinite. 
To anyone who has got this far and times are rough for you right.
Spoiler.
Things do get better.
Look at me.
Let me be your shinning beacon of light,hope and love from high up on the mountain. 
If you are thinking of hurting yourself. 

Message me. 
I will help.
Namaste, my brothers and sisters, Namaste. 
Steve.

#4 New Beginnings 

Well I moved out of my previous residence on the 13th. 

Been at the new place since. 

It’s cheaper by $150 a month,so puts me ahead a bit financially. 

Roommate has a dog,who(the dog) happens to choose to jump into bed with me when I am sleeping and they aren’t around. Which is actually okay.

I am still grieving over Louie.

I miss him so much.

Life changes,sometimes in ways we don’t want and very fast.

Focusing on work has helped a bit.

Really, while at work today I noticed in particular, I am kinda just numb to whatever state my life may be in, outside those doors. I am oddly okay with that.

I haven’t slid down the mountain of life so to speak. More like I fortunately found a small outcropping that I can take a moment and sit on. Quietly,reflect on all that has happened. 

I will never forget my Louie.

He was the best cat I ever had.

This is not the end,this is not my final destination. 

There is more for me to do

More that I want to do.

More that I will do and accomplish.

More cats to love. 

A dog (of my own) to love.

A small private farm is a dream,that I wish to achieve. 

I will find a way to make that happen.

This is just the beginning of things.

Steve

The Madman Without a Cat.

#3 The Cat.

I don’t know where to start.

His Royal Majesty King Louis Hersh the XXIII passed away on Wednesday,September 7,2016.

Now I am a Madman Without A Cat.

I am lost. 

My drive,my enthusiasm for life is gone without him. 

My heart is broken. 

Otherwise known as Louie.

He was my life, my constant companion, my best friend, my child and the furry love of my life for over 2 years. 

The best part of my days is gone. 

I don’t want to come home at night. Home to a now empty and lifeless room. A room that I loved is now hollow and empty without my furry buddy in it. It haunts me mentally and emotionally that he isn’t here to greet me anymore. 

His life and death were leading me to move out either way. Now that he is gone I have to. 

The love of this cat,mine for him and his for me,kept me alive. Cuddling with him when I wasn’t emotionally up to living,kept me going. He helped me find a strength within me to keep going, even when the darkest corners of my own mind wanted me dead. 

I want to live. I just do not comprehend or fathom how to without Louie. 

I am trying to throw myself into my job,just to keep distracted. 

Trying to find anything,something to relight…no,not relight,that fire died with Louie.

Something to light a new fire within me. 

I just don’t know how or what will do it?

I want Louie back desperately with every fiber of my being.

I know that’s not going to happen and it is what hurts even more. 

I have moved out now. 

Louie my love, I miss you. 

I’ll go on for you.

Steve