I’ve learned a lot about myself on this adventure thus far.
Lessons about life.
I am just chronicling my recognized changes for myself really.
1 Humble-I thought I was before. I am not bragging about any of this. Nor do I want praise.
2 Generosity-I may not have much right now. I honestly don’t know how much money I have given away on the journey thus far. Nor do I care. I am fortunately blessed right now. If someone who is nowhere doing near as well as I am asks for a dollar or two to grab some food I am going to give it to them. It is the humane thing to do.
3 Grace-I am fortunately and thankfully blessed with everything I have right now.
4 Peaceful-oddly my mind has calmed down. The chaotic maelstrom that has been for so many years a part of my daily thinking experience has calmed to a light drizzle with the occasional clap of thunder and peal of lightning.
Monday March 13th 2017.
I walked out of the life I had,the person I was and on family and friends I had.
I allowed myself to die.
Who I was is dead.
And I am glad.
I gave up on everything I thought I needed to be happy.
I let it all go and surrendered my existence to allow myself to be reborn into someone new.
My depression is virtually gone.
My anxiety is at its lowest level ever.
I am alive.
I am safe.
I am renewed.
I just am.
The Madman Without A Cat
Within my travels at the moment something came to mind.
My perspective is different than anyone else.
I know you are thinking,no duh.
I am talking about my physical vision and not just that I have glasses.
Some of my friends know this but I am red/green color blind. I can see red and green but have trouble with certain shades of each they washout to grey. I have said for ages now that you and I can be looking at the same thing that is red/green but my perception of that that thing is completely different.
It made me wonder if that has any affect/effect on how I see the world?
Also now that I am wearing glasses in my middle age does that change it too?
It makes me curious.
Pennsylvania will always hold a place in my heart. My birthplace, the land of my forefathers and my roots lie there.
It is not my home anymore.
Home has a meaning,a feeling to everyone and I just don’t have that for Pennsylvania anymore.
Where am I headed?
I’d rather not say.
I sit on a bus at this moment, rolling across the highways of America.
Also I am done with the cold weather.
It is time.
Time to level up.
I don’t know if anyone saw this but someone beat Final Fantasy 15 only being level 1. How? He never used his Experience Points which in this version of FF YOU have to spend them actively they are not automatically applied.
That is how I feel. I have all this Experience and have never applied any of it.
Now is the time to train,learn new skills and Level Up.
I am moving to a new area with new challenges and experiences.
I don’t know how long I’ll stay in this dungeon so to speak.
It is a new day,a new place and time for a truly new me.
I think to continue the game metaphor for some of us we get complacent, comfortable and scared of leveling up. So accustomed to the way things are. Leveling up is an improvement to who we are. Why should we be scared of it? Leveling up leads to new things,takes away the boredom that we have grown accustomed to.
First step of this leveling for me was sacrifice. I have the bare essentials of a backpack packed with clothing,some toiletries, a few choice books,what I am wearing and that is it. Bare minimum. Treasures so to speak have lost their hold on me.
I am truly taking my life into my own hands,being active about achieving for myself not for others.
Who wants to level up with me?
Not join me physically.
Who wants to really be alive?
The Madman WIthout A Cat
That was the sound of the proverbial straw has breaking the anxiety camel’s back.
I am done living in this situation.
The arguing, the illegal pain killer use and the other weekend apparently there was cocaine in use while I was sleeping (asked me if I ever tried). I am out. Done.
It is time to go.
Focus on my own wellbeing.
To my friends.
I am sorry there will be no in person goodbyes.
I have to go for my own safety.
I doubt you’ll ever see me in person again.
I don’t even know right now if I will still have a web presence.
A couple of you will think I am an asshole for not making good on my word to you.
Sorry but I have to take care of myself first.
To my family please don’t worry.
I have been thinking about this for awhile.
Today pushed me to it.(Monday)
I need this.
My grail quest begins now.
When I post this I will be far out of town seeking adventure and a new life.
I love you all.
The Madman Without a Cat
This an old lesson. One I learned a very long time ago. That seems to pop up every now and again.
No matter how well intentioned you may be: you can’t save everyone,some don’t realized they need saved and some don’t want to be.
Now for note I am NOT using the term saved in any sort of Christian conversion to Jesus meaning. Solely as a term of genuinely wanting to help someone out for their own benefit because you care.
I am not really talking about addicts though they do count.
Sometimes no matter how much you want to help,your help is unwanted. Sometimes thrown back in your face.
I don’t want your help.
I don’t need your help.
I am fine on my own.
I have been there before.
Trying to help people in that state will be toxic to your own well being. So sadly you have to let them be and just hope they do better.
Sadly also sometimes the very thing they need saved from is themselves.
Even some may have help in certain areas in their life such as a therapist,psychiatrist or a religious leader but you as friend see they are still not doing well. Though they think they can handle it.
I usually step back and hope for the best for them.
Though I wonder if certain questions were asked if it would help matters.
Or a conversation like this.
“You see a therapist, how’s that working out for you? Because as your friend you don’t seem to be doing to well and I’m concerned.”
“You don’t seem to be too happy with the way your life is. I don’t know what tools you are using but maybe you should try something new.”
I don’t know.
I have been unhappy and unhealthy in a lot of ways.
I wish someone would have said anything like above to me years ago.
I now do my best to reevaluate what I am doing frequently. Take a step back and see how its been working.
Example: deciding to go back on one of my antidepressants. Because I had lost some of the control they had given me over my mental state.
Or changing my diet to lose weight.
Staying open to anything that may help I think is the key for each and every one of us.
Your therapist not really helping anymore, ask for a new one.
Your diet not working time to change it.
Your spiritual practice or lack thereof holding you back time to try something new.
Go outside your box.
It surprisingly may be the thing that leads you to the happiness you have been seeking all your life .
The Madman WIthout A Cat
I returned here in 2011 after living in another state for 4 years.
After being homesick for 2 years at that point. Even though I wanted to,I did not come home under my own terms. I had failed at taking care of myself and ended up homeless sleeping in my vehicle for about two weeks. A vehicle I couldn’t keep either.
I did miss my friends and family.
Little did I know then.
What I was really missing and longing for?
This past holiday season I realized what I was actually missing.
I was missing a period of time.
The way the holidays and my friendships were in years past.
I was longing for a time when things were simpler. When my moms entire side of the family would all meet at my one uncles house. When my mom was still alive. When life wasn’t so complicated for me.
Our family wasn’t perfect. I don’t know who’s is.
Years I wish, I could get back.
4 years where I really became a stranger to my friends and myself.
I may have made some friends at work and college during that time but its not like we hung out outside of work or class.
Honestly I spent a lot of time alone. Fantasizing about a better life and talking to myself, outloud.
Secret I have always talked to myself outloud.
I had a severe mental breakdown in 2013.
A breakdown that finally led to me seeking the professional help I had so desperately needed for a very long time.
Now that I have been in treatment since then. I have developed better skills to deal with my issues. I still have problems.
Evident from me getting as close as I ever came to taking my own life in 2015.
I progressed a lot in 2016,though in the final months I backslid in some areas.
I miss a time that can’t come back. I have been trying to drag friendships that have unfortunately died over the years into the future. Out of sentiment for wanting things to be the way they were.
Its never going to be that way again.
That dragged my mood down over the holidays realizing and accepting it.
My want for a time I can’t have back is Timesickness.
I have to move on and forward without some of you in my life.
Its not you.
It is me.
I really need to worry about myself, first and foremost.
I have to do this,for me.
I have changed a lot but there is still work to do.
Improvements to myself.
On all fronts.
More changes are coming.
The Madman Without a Cat