#16 Homesickness, Timesickness 

I returned here in 2011 after living in another state for 4 years. 

After being homesick for 2 years at that point. Even though I wanted to,I did not come home under my own terms. I had failed at taking care of myself and ended up homeless sleeping in my vehicle for about two weeks. A vehicle I couldn’t keep either. 

I did miss my friends and family. 

Little did I know then.

What I was really missing and longing for?

This past holiday season I realized what I was actually missing. 

I was missing a period of time.

The way the holidays and my friendships were in years past. 

I was longing for a time when things were simpler. When my moms entire side of the family would all meet at my one uncles house. When my mom was still alive. When life wasn’t so complicated for me.

Our family wasn’t perfect. I don’t know who’s is. 

Years I wish, I could get back.

4 years where I really became a stranger to my friends and myself. 

I may have made some friends at work and college during that time but its not like we hung out outside of work or class.

Honestly I spent a lot of time alone. Fantasizing about a better life and talking to myself, outloud.

Secret I have always talked to myself outloud.

I had a severe mental breakdown in 2013.

A breakdown that finally led to me seeking the professional help I had so desperately needed for a very long time. 

Now that I have been in treatment since then. I have developed better skills to deal with my issues. I still have problems. 

Evident from me getting as close as I ever came to taking my own life in 2015.

I progressed a lot in 2016,though in the final months I backslid in some areas.

I miss a time that can’t come back. I have been trying to drag friendships that have unfortunately died over the years into the future. Out of sentiment for wanting things to be the way they were. 

Its never going to be that way again.  

That dragged my mood down over the holidays realizing and accepting it.

My want for a time I can’t have back is Timesickness. 

I have to move on and forward without some of you in my life. 

Its not you.

It is me.

I really need to worry about myself, first and foremost. 

I have to do this,for me.

I have changed a lot but there is still work to do. 

Improvements to myself.

On all fronts.

More changes are coming. 

The Madman Without a Cat

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