#17 You Can’t Save Everyone.

This an old lesson. One I learned a very long time ago. That seems to pop up every now and again.

No matter how well intentioned you may be: you can’t save everyone,some don’t realized they need saved and some don’t want to be.

Now for note I am NOT using the term saved in any sort of Christian conversion to Jesus meaning. Solely as a term of genuinely wanting to help someone out for their own benefit because you care.

I am not really talking about addicts though they do count. 

Sometimes no matter how much you want to help,your help is unwanted. Sometimes thrown back in your face. 

I don’t want your help. 

I don’t need your help.

I am fine on my own.

I have been there before. 

Trying to help people in that state will be toxic to your own well being. So sadly you have to let them be and just hope they do better.

Sadly also sometimes the very thing they need saved from is themselves. 

Even some may have help in certain areas in their life such as a therapist,psychiatrist or a religious leader but you as friend see they are still not doing well. Though they think they can handle it. 

I usually step back and hope for the best for them.

Though I wonder if certain questions were asked if it would help matters. 

Or a conversation like this.

“You see a therapist, how’s that working out for you? Because as your friend you don’t seem to be doing to well and I’m concerned.”

Or

“You don’t seem to be too happy with the way your life is. I don’t know what tools you are using but maybe you should try something new.”

I don’t know.

I have been unhappy and unhealthy in a lot of ways.

I wish someone would have said anything like above to me years ago. 

I now do my best to reevaluate what I am doing frequently. Take a step back and see how its been working. 

Example: deciding to go back on one of my antidepressants. Because I had lost some of the control they had given me over my mental state.

Or changing my diet to lose weight. 

Staying open to anything that may help I think is the key for each and every one of us.

Your therapist not really helping anymore, ask for a new one.

Your diet not working time to change it.

Your spiritual practice or lack thereof holding you back time to try something new. 

Go outside your box.

It surprisingly may be the thing that leads you to the happiness you have been seeking all your life .

Namaste

The Madman WIthout A Cat 

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#16 Homesickness, Timesickness 

I returned here in 2011 after living in another state for 4 years. 

After being homesick for 2 years at that point. Even though I wanted to,I did not come home under my own terms. I had failed at taking care of myself and ended up homeless sleeping in my vehicle for about two weeks. A vehicle I couldn’t keep either. 

I did miss my friends and family. 

Little did I know then.

What I was really missing and longing for?

This past holiday season I realized what I was actually missing. 

I was missing a period of time.

The way the holidays and my friendships were in years past. 

I was longing for a time when things were simpler. When my moms entire side of the family would all meet at my one uncles house. When my mom was still alive. When life wasn’t so complicated for me.

Our family wasn’t perfect. I don’t know who’s is. 

Years I wish, I could get back.

4 years where I really became a stranger to my friends and myself. 

I may have made some friends at work and college during that time but its not like we hung out outside of work or class.

Honestly I spent a lot of time alone. Fantasizing about a better life and talking to myself, outloud.

Secret I have always talked to myself outloud.

I had a severe mental breakdown in 2013.

A breakdown that finally led to me seeking the professional help I had so desperately needed for a very long time. 

Now that I have been in treatment since then. I have developed better skills to deal with my issues. I still have problems. 

Evident from me getting as close as I ever came to taking my own life in 2015.

I progressed a lot in 2016,though in the final months I backslid in some areas.

I miss a time that can’t come back. I have been trying to drag friendships that have unfortunately died over the years into the future. Out of sentiment for wanting things to be the way they were. 

Its never going to be that way again.  

That dragged my mood down over the holidays realizing and accepting it.

My want for a time I can’t have back is Timesickness. 

I have to move on and forward without some of you in my life. 

Its not you.

It is me.

I really need to worry about myself, first and foremost. 

I have to do this,for me.

I have changed a lot but there is still work to do. 

Improvements to myself.

On all fronts.

More changes are coming. 

The Madman Without a Cat

#13 Ugh

I don’t know what is happening in my life? Everything is falling apart. I have been forced to stay here by my own stupid decisions. Those same decisions mean I am flat broke right now. 

Job hunting has yet to pan out. I am still looking.  

Every day bleeds into the next so much that I forget what day it is. Next thing I know another week has ended.

I understand that I am depressed because of all this. I would rather sleep than get up and face another repeated day of nothing. I am just mentally, physically and spiritually worn out.

It is hard to stay and be positive when life is constantly throwing negative at you.

I am thankful to have a roof over my head and some food in my stomach at the moment. 

The biggest problem with no money now is if a job interview isn’t actually here in town, I have no way to get to the interview. 

These weeks have just brought me low. 

Something needs to happen. I don’t know what? Things need to get better. 

I feel disconnected from life.

I am just writing to keep abreast of my own mental state.

I am low. I just don’t know what to do. I am lost. 

I just saw my psychiatrist on Thursday.

Told him about how I have been off my medications for about 2 months now.

We agreed that I could stay off of them but I could easily call to get a new script if I felt the need.

It is a little rougher without.

I understand the artificial edge the meds gave me.

I have better coping skills than I did.

I am in adjustment still to coping without the edge the meds gave me.

I am writing here to keep self aware of my mental state.

I have been living,sometimes barely surviving with mental illness since I was a toddler.

I only finally sought treatment 3 and a half years ago. After a severe mental breakdown.

Being this psychology aware of myself is still a relatively new thing for me.

I was not managing at all before.

Now though.

Yes some rough moments recently.

Who doesn’t?

I just speak out now,instead of bottling it up and letting it consume me.

My illness is part of me.

It is not me.

It does not define who I am.

I won’t let it.

I may be A Madman Without a Cat.

I am the coolest,sincerist,most sensitive, blunt,loyal,loving,magickal and positive Madman you will ever meet.

Namaste

Steve

-current listening

Meshuggah- Koloss