#16 Homesickness, TimesicknessĀ 

I returned here in 2011 after living in another state for 4 years. 

After being homesick for 2 years at that point. Even though I wanted to,I did not come home under my own terms. I had failed at taking care of myself and ended up homeless sleeping in my vehicle for about two weeks. A vehicle I couldn’t keep either. 

I did miss my friends and family. 

Little did I know then.

What I was really missing and longing for?

This past holiday season I realized what I was actually missing. 

I was missing a period of time.

The way the holidays and my friendships were in years past. 

I was longing for a time when things were simpler. When my moms entire side of the family would all meet at my one uncles house. When my mom was still alive. When life wasn’t so complicated for me.

Our family wasn’t perfect. I don’t know who’s is. 

Years I wish, I could get back.

4 years where I really became a stranger to my friends and myself. 

I may have made some friends at work and college during that time but its not like we hung out outside of work or class.

Honestly I spent a lot of time alone. Fantasizing about a better life and talking to myself, outloud.

Secret I have always talked to myself outloud.

I had a severe mental breakdown in 2013.

A breakdown that finally led to me seeking the professional help I had so desperately needed for a very long time. 

Now that I have been in treatment since then. I have developed better skills to deal with my issues. I still have problems. 

Evident from me getting as close as I ever came to taking my own life in 2015.

I progressed a lot in 2016,though in the final months I backslid in some areas.

I miss a time that can’t come back. I have been trying to drag friendships that have unfortunately died over the years into the future. Out of sentiment for wanting things to be the way they were. 

Its never going to be that way again.  

That dragged my mood down over the holidays realizing and accepting it.

My want for a time I can’t have back is Timesickness. 

I have to move on and forward without some of you in my life. 

Its not you.

It is me.

I really need to worry about myself, first and foremost. 

I have to do this,for me.

I have changed a lot but there is still work to do. 

Improvements to myself.

On all fronts.

More changes are coming. 

The Madman Without a Cat

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#13 Ugh

I don’t know what is happening in my life? Everything is falling apart. I have been forced to stay here by my own stupid decisions. Those same decisions mean I am flat broke right now. 

Job hunting has yet to pan out. I am still looking.  

Every day bleeds into the next so much that I forget what day it is. Next thing I know another week has ended.

I understand that I am depressed because of all this. I would rather sleep than get up and face another repeated day of nothing. I am just mentally, physically and spiritually worn out.

It is hard to stay and be positive when life is constantly throwing negative at you.

I am thankful to have a roof over my head and some food in my stomach at the moment. 

The biggest problem with no money now is if a job interview isn’t actually here in town, I have no way to get to the interview. 

These weeks have just brought me low. 

Something needs to happen. I don’t know what? Things need to get better. 

I feel disconnected from life.

I am just writing to keep abreast of my own mental state.

I am low. I just don’t know what to do. I am lost. 

#4 New BeginningsĀ 

Well I moved out of my previous residence on the 13th. 

Been at the new place since. 

It’s cheaper by $150 a month,so puts me ahead a bit financially. 

Roommate has a dog,who(the dog) happens to choose to jump into bed with me when I am sleeping and they aren’t around. Which is actually okay.

I am still grieving over Louie.

I miss him so much.

Life changes,sometimes in ways we don’t want and very fast.

Focusing on work has helped a bit.

Really, while at work today I noticed in particular, I am kinda just numb to whatever state my life may be in, outside those doors. I am oddly okay with that.

I haven’t slid down the mountain of life so to speak. More like I fortunately found a small outcropping that I can take a moment and sit on. Quietly,reflect on all that has happened. 

I will never forget my Louie.

He was the best cat I ever had.

This is not the end,this is not my final destination. 

There is more for me to do

More that I want to do.

More that I will do and accomplish.

More cats to love. 

A dog (of my own) to love.

A small private farm is a dream,that I wish to achieve. 

I will find a way to make that happen.

This is just the beginning of things.

Steve

The Madman Without a Cat.

#3 The Cat.

I don’t know where to start.

His Royal Majesty King Louis Hersh the XXIII passed away on Wednesday,September 7,2016.

Now I am a Madman Without A Cat.

I am lost. 

My drive,my enthusiasm for life is gone without him. 

My heart is broken. 

Otherwise known as Louie.

He was my life, my constant companion, my best friend, my child and the furry love of my life for over 2 years. 

The best part of my days is gone. 

I don’t want to come home at night. Home to a now empty and lifeless room. A room that I loved is now hollow and empty without my furry buddy in it. It haunts me mentally and emotionally that he isn’t here to greet me anymore. 

His life and death were leading me to move out either way. Now that he is gone I have to. 

The love of this cat,mine for him and his for me,kept me alive. Cuddling with him when I wasn’t emotionally up to living,kept me going. He helped me find a strength within me to keep going, even when the darkest corners of my own mind wanted me dead. 

I want to live. I just do not comprehend or fathom how to without Louie. 

I am trying to throw myself into my job,just to keep distracted. 

Trying to find anything,something to relight…no,not relight,that fire died with Louie.

Something to light a new fire within me. 

I just don’t know how or what will do it?

I want Louie back desperately with every fiber of my being.

I know that’s not going to happen and it is what hurts even more. 

I have moved out now. 

Louie my love, I miss you. 

I’ll go on for you.

Steve